failed attempt

part 3

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“Wait, I have something for you.” a childish woman voice came to sound as i entered the library. it was alis'. “See if you’ll like these better than Peter Pan. You can give them back next time you hang here.” she said while handing over two books to a kid in a shirt and short blue jeans.

"hello" the father greeted me at the entrance like a true gentleman. i smiled back. Behind him, the kid followed while starring frantically at the book that Ali had given him. his hands furiously stroking the crusted cover of the book that seemed as if it have undergo seven years of drought without rain. they both looked somewhat recognizable from the way they walked and acted.

Ali smiled at me while standing on the wooden staircase, and invited me to come over while holding some books in her pearl white hands.

"im sorry i left you without prior notice this morning. i was in a hurry and when i went back your apartment it was locked and i guess you should be here, so here i am " i told her with an astonishing regretful low voice ending with a crooked half smile.

"mmmhmm"Ali replied with a zest of smile to give some structure to her somewhat flat response. she seemed preoccupied with her work. treating the books as if they were kings and bishops that need to be arranged in a specific hirachy. one wrong move and off with her head. the ambiance was a bit dark. the kind of the mood where tim burton will be inspired hence composing a musical drama then and there. it is not my cup of tea but oh well,as long as i can see Ali.

"where are the others?"

"shhhh" Ali instructed me to keep quiet, not with a GO AWAY! tone but with a soft soothing voice. like a mom, telling her kid that everything is going to be all right.

"you want some chocolate?" i reached out to her and hand her a bar of chocolate half eaten to purposely irritate her. she pushed a book to my chest in reply.i took it and flip it around and through all the pages as if im playing with a toy.

Ali instructed me to read. i lowered my posture and crouched on the ground. " The Secret Garden". somewhat thin compared to other classic english literature. illustration of vintage flowers almost disappearing give me an idea of how long this book have been here. the front cover is half torn and a musty smell can be sniffed though the brown colored pages.

"im sorry but.."

"i know, take your time" i replied before Ali can finish her sentence.

"arnt you goin back to your home? how long has it been?two,three days?" Ali trying to start a casual talk while still arranging the age defined books. " five days and two days" i replied. "and i just did, to change my clothes before going here".

"how come you never told me about your family?" i kept silent while pretending to be reading the contents page of the book. after ten second Ali continued by saying "u know,there is nothing interesting about the plot in the contents page" and i shuushed her hoping she will continue on doing her work.

"why two days? why isnt it one week?" she asked again while shuffling through the books as if one of the ministers have gone missing. "i just love the number" i replied.

*worlds collide - the mostar driving club playing*

i reached to Ali, grabbing her hand. she was surprised and nearly dropped the books onto my head. her palms are cold due to the air conditioners, yet they are soft like melting chocolate. she descends slowly from the flight of stairs and like a princess on the way to a ball. upon reaching my height, i braced her with all my might . after slowly dropping her feet on my shoes we danced to the sound of music. slowly pacing through the beats of the song.

i stared to her eyes. eyes that can melt ice without the help of global warming. Before she manages to ask anything, suddenly i blurted "you love me Ali?"

"yes". "but why did you ... "

while carefully grabbing her face, i kissed her lips. hesitant but not backing out. she was a bit shocked at first, but later on carved her soft lips thats comparable to the clouds upon mine.like puzzle pieces our lips fit together. i slowly moved my hands, one to her cheeks and the other supporting her head. trembling but not awkward movements. my fingers danced to the fibers of her curls instead of my feet. slowly performing a lyrical dance not to the beat of the music but to the thump of our heart.

someone knocked on the wooden shelves and my eyes slowly opened. i quickly covered Ali's figure using my loose cardigan still not letting her go.

"get a room" said the old man while he moved to the newspaper stands. i laughed and end with a sigh of relief.

"i better get going then" i said to Ali while giving her a last kiss on the right side of her blushing cheek. "are you free tonight? i wanna see you" i asked while she is still in the embrace of my arms.

"im sorry but .. " she cringes while gesturing to the books. i smiled while slowly letting her go. i held one of her hand and escorted her to her throne of wooden stair case.

on the way out of the library, a pen and paper emerges upon my sight. without thinking, i wrote. things that ive been wanting to say to her tonight,before i go away,far far away.

before i leave, i captured a last glance of her. the woman that have changed my life. she slowly fixes her hair, combing it gracefully with her hands while tying a knot to keep it from distracting her from doing her work. suddenly she turned to me, and i turned away immediately.

i kept walking away from her even though i know that this is the wrong direction to take. afraid that she will see the cold tears that have been flowing, drop by drop due to the images of letting her go.

somebody that i used to know

part 1

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cold water runs through my face. water from my chin drops, submitting to the force of gravity.

"what was that all about?" I said to myself. i tried to remember the vivid dream that have woken me up from my sleep. Deep distinct voices that yelled "RUN!" popped up in my head. images of me running towards the darkness visualized. or was i chasing? the deeper i tried to remember, the more pronounced the aching in my heart.

i decided to take a sip of coffee downstairs. seeing her fast asleep, with her calm angelic face make me smile and awkwardly chuckled. I put on my sneakers and slowly creep out from the apartment, producing as little sound as possible as i closed the door.

the ambiance of this morning is perfect. if i can marry the weather, today will be the perfect candidate. Images of people rushing to their destinations, taxis and cars honked while the motorcycles slip in between them as hot coffee slivers in between the ice in that glass. i took a sip and it is refreshing.

i daydreamed while staring through the glass window. the thought of me, stopped in motion, while everybody is moving, changing their coordinates as if they were time freed me from my previous worry and give me the chance to float continuously in my empty mind. like having a backstroke in the sea, without the fear of drowning, storms and sharks.

*somebody that i used to know - gotye*

"hello?" i said as i wondered who called.

A soft recognizable voice replied "its good that you havent changed your number adrian"

"sandra?" questions started to popped into my head. why is she calling me? why out of all this time did she called me now?

"the one and only" a cheeky reply was given. This time the sound came from a whisper projected to my left ear. i turned back and there she was, the girl who left me waved with a sincere smile. images from my past surfaced.thank god i managed to pull off an awkward smile back at her but my heart is still aching.

*******

"are you doing well?" she asked me while copying my body movement by slowly flatten half of her face on the coffee table.

i stared through the window while trying to figure out the best reply. im never good at lying but i can use a little deception. "i've been well. Thank you" was the only reply i could give. we both stared aimlessly outdoors accompanied by the music of silence.

i ascend my head to an upright position. this time clutching my hands together, rocking forward and backward maintaining my gaze at the window to the walking pedestrians across the road.

"you left me, when i needed you the most. you left me without notice" with a calm expression i confessed. still avoiding eye contact, i continued "meds were given for depression. you are apparently looking at a body full of chemical wastes. But somehow, i don't blame you. i don't know why but i don't."

"time have changed, my friends have all left me. all that i have now is only ma and pa and also their inheritence". words suddenly just barfed out from my mouth. im not mad at her, but this is a part of me that she have to know.

"thanks" she replied. "your welcome". a smile carved perfectly on her face but her jade coloured eyes seemed uneasy.

"have you foud her?" she asked. i was surprised that she remembered my dream girl.

"no" i replied with a small chuckle. "but ive been dating someone and she's great"

we continued sitting there for hours. and it felt like our first date during our childhood. both of us, sitting on the swing together, not moving, just wavering by the push from the winds of autumn. she was starring at the sky above, and i was playing with the sand using my feet. suddenly i recalled what i said to her on that day.

" i wanna love you"

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part 3

textures

as i read from books, i unknowingly rape the texture with the tips of my fingertips. drawing lines as my eyes plunge itself to every detail, encrypting sentences as they are coded emotions that were written from a genius observer.

may it be romance, adventure or just knowledge everything must be imagined and that's the charm of a printed book. the uneven texture of the beige printed pages became my contours. the musky smell of wood make me visualize of a dense forest with tall sky-scarring trees, thick but not packed. light shone from above giving room for the plants below to grow. as the battles tramples the bushes below, the flip of a page made me imagine that i'm on a hill top. under the shady tree, the only one that is there. the thin page now became another body that hugs my fingers perfectly.

as we age so does books. maybe that is why i can relate to them. Orange spots randomly appear and the pages became more brown as if they were pigmentation from an old man's skin. the older they are,the better.

now is it significant to say "dont judge a book by its cover?"

rain

It is such an inspiring thing. Water droplets tipping down from the heavens,hitting the dry dusty ground. Soft cold winds rushing through the window dancing with the blue organza curtain. This is the nearest thing i'll ever get to London for the time being. The rain lets me imagine, utilize my thoughts for the happiest love story to the most dramatic one.

Walking after the rain will give me such self satisfaction. The winds flew by me as if I'm with my lady, strolling around in the humid weather, saying nothing but to our hearts. Enjoying and appreciating this particular moment that god had given us. The smell of fresh grass with the distant thunder dissolving into the horizon.

As i imagined this text while tapping through the keyboards to make my thoughts stay. I looked at the window and say "Oh, its a very fine day".

the placebo effect

Sometimes its good to get the placebo effect. Like when you read the description on a cosmetics or a food product, explaining with the uttermost beautiful arrangements of words. psychologically inducing you to dream of what will become. The through information that were given that feels like nothing is left behind. From the origins of the materials to the after effects of the product in hand. We believe on what were told eventhough the fine print says "p/s ; this doesn't apply to all " .

Placebo is used in the research faculty to became a constant. saline is usually injected and results are taken. For the scientist, placebo became just another statistic, but for the patient, it is hope. Though when reality checks in, placebo just don't work at all.

reply#1

Drenched in my own sweat, I asked her "how do you see the clouds?"

"A floating cotton in the sky waiting for me to jump up and about above it"she replied with a shy laughter following after.

Its been a day since we were here,walking up and down these picturesque hills while being accompanied by the soft equivalence of "hello!" the wind had to offer us. The weather is nice, the sun is well lit and the atmosphere is just how imagined it to be.

as we laid down on the short grasses, moving about here and there, she asked. "when will you kiss me?"

I turned to face her, eyes scouting the contours of her face. Her modest cheekbones. Jaws so smooth a drop of water would make all the velvety chocolate fountain envy with disgrace and lastly I came in contact with her eyes. Her beautiful green colored eyes, dilated and her throat swallowing every exess saliva her buccal cavity had made.

"It'll be the day when you became mine and I became yours. The time when everything else will became less significant. The surroundings became a blur and the only thing i hear is the beat of your heart. When I know you were meant for me and for me only "

"If i die, i don't want your happiness to be caged by this kiss if i give it to you now,this moment, that could last forever "

bad future, bad.

" the future used to be such a abstract idea. and the dream was enough. and now the future have the nerve to show up and its expecting us to do something and its not interested in giving a lending hand '' - Chris Colfer , Glee season 3 ep10-