the memory of bungee jumping last summer,made me relize that i am in two very similar but different situations. the numbness are the same. the moment where the only thing you can listen to yourself . even the internal monolouge managed to stop for a second. and that second is a very long period. all those blood pumped to your face,flushing it. a natural blusher.
a moment later i noticed the diffrence. one,with a paralyzed upper half,my eyes were wide open. unknowingly trying to find a point of focus. scouting for the moving figure that was there,in front of me a second ago.
add another second and i can start to feel the heat radiating through my ears,the sudden thump of my ear drums, blood flushing through it. my eyes,still longing for that figure, scouting and scouting. sanity started to surface. i expected this, i expected her to hate me for all those years. for leaving her. but what am i feeling?!
i can feel my throat drying up, coarse like the dessert. tounge and lips twitching to coordinate, an effort to make a sound. words like "dont leave" or "i love you" should make her stop right? heck even "stop" deemed appropriate for this situation. my fingers regained conciousness. as i felt the wooden roughness of the coffee table,i can hear the stomp of the coffee shop door. now i can see that people are staring at me,but then again,the pool of water are blurring thier figures.WHAT IS THIS?!
"stop!" i tried screaming. instead a hiss was let out. .with anger and frustration my hand lifted itself,unconciously ball up into a fist and attack the wooden table.
the pain,after the numbness have surfaced itself.
the moment that my fist have create a chaos on the table and created a sharp pain is when i realized that i havent been breating.i took a deep breath,spread out my fingers flat on the table and force myself to stand.
"she still loves me" i recited while making a sloppy footwork to the door.the more steps i took,the better it became.
i ran across,chasing the pavement to where ali was.i cant see her,but i can sense her.gradually in my mind ali began to mould itself.from blur it began to sharpen.and one second more i felt a momentum strong enough that it was able to take her off her feet.i turned her and hugged her tightly.afraid that if i get any more loose than this i could loose her again.
"i am sorry for making excuses. testing you proves that i wasnt fully commited to the relationship and im sorry. ive done it unintentionally.but seeing you,like this,it pains me.it was my fault. it pains me a great deal.as if i have engulfed a great deal of razor and swallowed it with water.with every breath it becomes painful.acknowleging the fact made my senses numb.thinking that my actions were the cause of it makes me turn into garbage."
tears began pooling again and i continued
"not being the person that make you smile,the person to defend you,the person you rely on,the person you can trust it makes me loose purpose. for not being able to be the pillow to your head while sleeping, to caress your skin,trailing every vein that popped up,bumps of your vetebrae and put in order your hair while you were sleeping its sickening. i despise myself,imagining people other than me doing that to you.i despise myself for leaving you without notice,i despise myself for making these choices. i despise myself for putting you through all these years,changing you,from what you really are."
"and to think for a moment that i cant do anything about it,to turn back time,i am a failure. i tried to think of myself taking care of you from far, walking in your shadows at night,but i cant. leaving you,slipping away from me,from what we should have been,made me loose the sense of survival.
again my throat began drying up,sobbing like a little child having his baloon popped infront of himself. tears flowing like a dam that have been broken,flooding through. unstoppable.
and then it hit me, the subtle noise of a 'hum' before, becomes a honk. i was sent back to reality. Ali was far, half the street from me when i realised this reality. then all began to shift.
i realized that a metal surface have hit my bone, snapping my ribs like a twig being stepped upon a foot. i realized that my body began to shift, forever aligning me from being opposite from ali. i realized that i have failed in reconciling with ali. you have always been, and forever a powerfull dreamer adrian. i managed to sigh in my own monolouge.
for a moment she turned and there was the moment that i managed to whisper , "Ali, love. dont leave me"
*****
Ali s' apartment, 4 years before
"god,im thirsty"
i dont know why but i ended up on this apartment again,on the same bed.sluggishly awake, I tried to find the way to her kitchen. with eyes opened up to a squint, I coordinate myself to the dim lighted space. feeling the texture on the wall finding support while I tip-toed through the ceramics of the space. I managed to find her fridge and open it up.
"i just need water and i'll be gone" i whisper to myself. a bottle filled with opaque fluid suggesting that it is chilled mineral water. I tried picking it up and with a thump it slips to the floor. "shit!" i whispered, afraid that my mockery and sluggishness will wake up the occupants of this home.
i peered through the fridge door to make sure i haven't startled anybody and there she sat,the woman, Ali i think. focusing tightly to her writing, mind all occupied. lips bit to give an unsymmetrical shape. hair tied back with some long ones escaped and run their way parallel towards gravity. the movement of her pen suggest that her writing is pretty,some sort of cursive.every 5 seconds her fingers glide across her hair,arranging them back to order. if her eyes could be a knife,they would cut through the paper taking only a second. her skin, fair as the snow that falls on mount Fiji. nose so cute it was placed just like a bump upon her feature. that oval face, with some moderate features suggesting calmness.
with legs crossed,i lied on the cold surface of the floor. one hand holding the cold bottle of mineral, the other mopping across my forehead, my nose and gradually managed to cover all the areas of my face.
"god,im in love"
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