teaser.

"fight as long as your heart's beating,fight for your honour,fight for your future. fight till your fist hits the enemy,fight till your fist is shattered.fight till your feet loose towards gravity, fight till your last breath, fight till everything else darkened,fight till you cant see your enemy. fight till your soul left your body"

Peta sighed. a white shirt, baggy woollen cardigan with shorts and gladiator sandals is perfectly  placed onto him. any signs of struggle was absent from the looks of it. his dark iris fixed on Fenrir, not with anger, but contempt. his long black hair pulled to the back, tied to a short ponytail seemed to be glued. unaffected by the duel. The difference in power is too great. eyes so peaceful flickered from the focus of the ground to Fenrir.  face so calm its difference between sleeping is only through the open eyes.

"surrender now,there is not much that you can do. fate have already decided that you will lose" Peta said as if chatting casually to a friend.

with his rotting feet and ribs, Fenrir fought to stand up. falling towards the force of gravity from time to time until his hunky figure of lean muscle stabilises to a stance. veins visible upon his biceps all the way through his arms. small cuts formed upon his forehead with a bruised lips upon his face. his shirt was torn together with his jeans and boots. showing parts of his feet. he inhaled a great amount of air and said "dont get too cocky now". he lunges forward, slowly positioning his body to a stance for attack. fingers all pressured up to a fist. one infront,and the other slightly behind his posture. the final jerking of the fist, eyes focused on Peta and with a sudden puff of exhalation, he's gone. only leaving a trace of dust to mark his former position.

the sudden clinch of bones roared thunder through the moor and a gust of wind sends out storms circularly from the point of intersection. Fenrir was behind Peta, attacking. another second, Peta seen squatting to avoid his attack. with a counter, Peta clawed his fingers,directing it towards Fenrir s' torso. dark smokes seen to occupy the tips of it. Fenrir grips Peta's shoulders and commit to a handstand directly above Peta, avoiding his attack. within a second, Fenrir flips Peta with incredible force towards the ground followed by a kick, letting out a stunning thump from the collison.

Peta rolled unimaginably letting out gushes of blood from time to time. he finally gained his grip,with hands and feet forcing friction towards the now shaved land of grass, exposing the cocoa coloured earth underneath. with a posture resembling a lioness ready for the "kill", his gastronemious contacted and forces his body to lunge towards Fenrir.

Fenrir defended himself but to no avail, Peta took advantage of the defensive stance. Peta grips Fenrir s' hand and managed to shift himself  towards the open back of Fenrir, performing his final stance to target Fenrir s' heart. Fenrir was paralysed and in shock of what happening, things were too fast for him. his right arms,shoulders and deltoid now rot from the touch of Peta. indeed, he was raw and immature of this types of battles. he was too emotional to anger the order, his own team-mates. not thinking through of his destructive decisions. he closes his eyes and admit death have come to claim him.

"and let the fishes live inside the sea. seperating the lions and the sharks" a chant was recited. " the buddha will lay motionless while this chant remain protective "

A sudden rattle echoes through the field. the illuminant chains of gold and silver covered the limbs of both of them, seperating them within a split second. he was saved.

"you just wouldn't listen will you" a sigh was let out infront of him. a character wearing white robe-like dress, heavy looking, holding out a floating shimmering black talisman supported by the thumbs of the palms that was merged to a motionless clap.

the end - part 1

the memory of bungee jumping last summer,made me relize that i am in two very similar but different situations. the numbness are the same. the moment where the only thing you can listen to yourself . even the internal monolouge managed to stop for a second. and that second is a very long period. all those blood pumped to your face,flushing it. a natural blusher.

a moment later i noticed the diffrence. one,with a paralyzed upper half,my eyes were wide open. unknowingly trying to find a point of focus. scouting for the moving figure that was there,in front of me a second ago.

add another second and i can start to feel the heat radiating through my ears,the sudden thump of my ear drums, blood flushing through it. my eyes,still longing for that figure, scouting and scouting. sanity started to surface. i expected this, i expected her to hate me for all those years. for leaving her. but what am i feeling?!

i can feel my throat drying up, coarse like the dessert. tounge and lips twitching to coordinate, an effort to make a sound. words like "dont leave" or "i love you" should make her stop right? heck even "stop" deemed appropriate for this situation. my fingers regained conciousness. as i felt the wooden roughness of the coffee table,i can hear the stomp of the coffee shop door. now i can see that people are staring at me,but then again,the pool of water are blurring thier figures.WHAT IS THIS?!

"stop!" i tried screaming. instead a hiss was let out. .with anger and frustration my hand lifted itself,unconciously ball up into a fist and attack the wooden table.

the pain,after the numbness have surfaced itself.


the moment that my fist have create a chaos on the table and created a sharp pain is when i realized that i havent been breating.i took a deep breath,spread out my fingers flat on the table and force myself to stand.

"she still loves me" i recited while making a sloppy footwork to the door.the more steps i took,the better it became.

i ran across,chasing the pavement to where ali was.i cant see her,but i can sense her.gradually in my mind ali began to mould itself.from blur it began to sharpen.and one second more i felt a momentum strong enough that it was able to take her off her feet.i turned her and hugged her tightly.afraid that if i get any more loose than this i could loose her again.

"i am sorry for making excuses. testing you proves that i wasnt fully commited to the relationship and im sorry. ive done it unintentionally.but seeing you,like this,it pains me.it was my fault. it pains me a great deal.as if i have engulfed a great deal of razor and swallowed it with water.with every breath it becomes painful.acknowleging the fact made my senses numb.thinking that my actions were the cause of it makes me turn into garbage."

tears began pooling again and i continued

"not being the person that make you smile,the person to defend you,the person you rely on,the person you can trust it makes me loose purpose. for not being able to be the pillow to your head while sleeping, to caress your skin,trailing every vein that popped up,bumps of your vetebrae and put in order your hair while you were sleeping its sickening. i despise myself,imagining people other than me doing that to you.i despise myself for leaving you without notice,i despise myself for making these choices. i despise myself for putting you through all these years,changing you,from what you really are."

"and to think for a moment that i cant do anything about it,to turn back time,i am a failure. i tried to think of myself taking care of you from far, walking in your shadows at night,but i cant. leaving you,slipping away from me,from what we should have been,made me loose the sense of survival.

again my throat began drying up,sobbing like a little child having his baloon popped infront of himself. tears flowing like a dam that have been broken,flooding through. unstoppable.

and then it hit me, the subtle noise of a 'hum' before, becomes a honk. i was sent back to reality. Ali was far, half the street from me when i realised this reality. then all began to shift.

i realized that a metal surface have hit my bone, snapping my ribs like a twig being stepped upon a foot. i realized that my body began to shift, forever aligning me from being opposite from ali. i realized that i have failed in reconciling with ali. you have always been, and forever a powerfull dreamer adrian. i managed to sigh in my own  monolouge.

for a moment she turned and there was the moment that i managed to whisper , "Ali, love. dont leave me"

*****

Ali s' apartment, 4 years before

"god,im thirsty"

i dont know why but i ended up on this apartment again,on the same bed.sluggishly awake, I tried to find the way to her kitchen. with eyes opened up to a squint, I coordinate myself to the dim lighted space. feeling the texture on the wall finding support while I tip-toed through the ceramics of the space. I managed to find her fridge and open it up.

"i just need water and i'll be gone" i whisper to myself. a bottle filled with opaque fluid suggesting that it is chilled mineral water. I tried picking it up and with a thump it slips to the floor. "shit!" i whispered, afraid that my mockery and sluggishness will wake up the occupants of this home.

i peered through the fridge door to make sure i haven't startled anybody and there she sat,the woman, Ali i think. focusing tightly to her writing, mind all occupied. lips bit to give an unsymmetrical shape. hair tied back with some long ones escaped and run their way parallel towards gravity. the movement of her pen suggest that her writing is pretty,some sort of cursive.every 5 seconds her fingers glide across her hair,arranging them back to order. if her eyes could be a knife,they would cut through the paper taking only a second. her skin, fair as the snow that falls on mount Fiji. nose so cute it was placed just like a bump upon her feature. that oval face, with some moderate features suggesting calmness.

with legs crossed,i lied on the cold surface of the floor. one hand holding the cold bottle of mineral, the other mopping across my forehead, my nose and gradually managed to cover all the areas of my face.

"god,im in love"

gymnastics fever

my current desktop wallpaper serves of an inspiration for me to exeed the humanely impossible. to do more,to strive for that vertical second,contracting every ounce of my muscles either physically and mentally to better myself.

that being said it was all bullshit,gymnastics does inspires me to achieve more and yeah,this vertical handstand on a parallel bar looks good as a wallpaper.

p/s: i wont let ramadhan stop me from exercising, booyah! and btw,ignore my digital post its.holiday projects.tehehe

olympians

"what is sumo but a dance between giants"
"the way to beat a man is to shake his confidence" 


both of quotes from memoirs of a geisha.

well it seems to me that the above snips from the memoirs suits the Olympics very well. though they called it competitions and medals were given the only thing i think about were performances. the control and contraction of muscle from the gymnasts, the tango between competitors and lastly choreography of strategies that differ between teams.

confidence,being the core energy of performances, illustrated a significant effect on thier repertoire. with confidence away from your grasp, your solid ground became a quicksand. pulling you slowly down. "should i do this, will that happen to me " will be recurring in the players mind. overcalculating and overthinking things made you loose the grasp of that shining gold medal.


but what do i know,im just an observer.


stay strong dear olympians.

a present

sorry for abandoning you blogger,so yeah,the new banner is a present from me to you.miehehe ;))

quotes

“Pictures could not be accessories to the story -- evidence -- they had to contain the story within the frame; the best picture contained a whole war within one frame.” 
“This is what happened when one left one's home - pieces of oneself scattered all over the world, no one place ever completely satisfied, always a nostalgia for the place left behind. Pieces of her in Vietnam, some in this place of bone. She brought the letter to her nose. The smell of Vietnam: a mix of jungle and wetness and spices and rot. A smell she hadn't realized she missed.”
"An older woman from the group, a mother or aunt, screamed and ran forward toward the alcove, and one of the soldiers shot her. Captured on film. The curse of photojournalism was that a good picture necessitated the subject getting hurt or killed."
"if the pictures were no good,that means your not close enough"

 all by Tatjana Soli in the book lotus eaters

on a break

im soaking the sun, sipping the air-conditioned room, relaxing my mind, while jamming my muscles to this song.

titanium

"you shoot me down, but i wont fall, i am titanium"
David Guetta feat. Sia

what is courage? is it the strength to embrace your fears?or was it just simple idiocracy?

courage is best displayed in a life and death situation.either metaphorically or literally. the situation that kills you if things don't occur in your favour. courage plays a big role in such situations. the matter of scavenging your bits and pieces of strength and lay it all out.

does deception matter? does it count as a weakness or are we just just cunning? smart enough to evade the bullets from hitting us, spilling out the truth. truth that make us loose the things we grasp important in a matter of seconds.

does fate really intends to expose us? expose us to such harsh conditions that could ruin statues to dust. such encounters that may lift us as heroes. the angels and demons of our depth laughs as we make our decisions. like standing alone in that dusty colosseum. slayed or be slayed.

what is truth? it is the word we make up just to make us feel better? end those sleepless nights? or is it a knife that bluntly piercing the heart, severing minds and together with them bonds.

with arms wide open, i'll wait for you to come back. i'll spill the beans and give you the butcher knife. now its your decision.

a plane.

dear naniey,

yes my bali experience is not complete as you have told me.the plane is one of the things that i failed to describe. documenting it was my first priority for it will be a good story. No, a great imagination.

I remember closing my eyes when the plane started to move. every flicker of my eyelids adds some dramatic thumps to the scene. my baggage were loaded successfully and my red camera bag were put onto my lap. pictures were taken freely while the seat restricted our movements. we sat in a row and i sat near the window. the sky was pitch black but the runway n LCCT was clear as a luminated garden for fairies.

coming to a halt, the attendants demonstrated the emergency procedures. things to do and not to do. Actions were demonstrated based on the recording that forced thier way through the speakers, the voice were rough. It was very exiting and funny since they looked as if they were forced but still smiled to ensure us of thier hospitality.

And the fun part begins.

Seat belts on, table set in place and not permitted to go down. electronics were kindly asked to be switched off by the air attendants. pacing back and forward like prefects ensuring that everybody was following the rules. i imagined the tyres rolling as the plane moved and i saw the wings flapped. the plane speeds. imagine when u press the accelerator on a car on an empty highway. the adrenaline, the fear, the enjoyment. heck it was better. i can feel the heavy metal lift off the ground, as if lighter than air. continue to ascend straight up to the sky. yes naniey, i smiled during the whole lift-off procedure. It was like riding APPA! in his restricted overpopulated back.

the sky was dark and still the ground glimmer. plane shifted to a degree and exposed the land to us. street lights were diffrent from the sky view. like veins on a leaf suddenly glow with the brightest light possible. along the way storms can be seen horizontally parallel to us. flicker of lights gone within seconds. the flourecent viens began dissapearing from sight and my eyes followed being engulfed in the dark.

upon reading the lotus eater, i need to pee-pee. it was a unique expirience as i can hear the air became vaccum inside the toilet plastic or ceramic as i flushed away my junk.

immigration forms were distributed and the pilot announces his thanks for riding with Air Asia. the speaker still pose a problem as the sounds were hard to decipher. or is it due to the language boundary?

yours sincerely, crpt.

"gotta have roots, before branches.
to know who i am, before i know who i wanna be"
-room for two.

these words have been haunting me for the past few days. after being stuck in books and memorizing notes for the past few months have kept me thinking, where am i?

things kept on piling up on me. like sands being thrown at you while u were lying down.sands heavy enough that could bury you. blinding you out of light. those knowledge passed down from our lecturers, like books in the library. don't know where they begin and where they end. like a house without a family, i feel empty with all that i had. how did i end up here? these songs that ive been listening to, how can i ever explain my choices?

today, ive decided to let it go. not waiting for my pseudo-holiday to end because waiting, will lead to no more than further nothing. imagine building a bridge that is empty of its floors. start afresh from nothing and begin piling up a new set of bricks. bricks that ive made them myself. that eventually became houses that i snuggle within comfortably. to be able to explain myself and my choices. this is all in pursuit of myself. the real me. hiding in the shadows, never surfacing. it is there but never fully seen.

p/s; its cool to have no title.

i remember a dstant star beyond that distant sky

Dear Naniey,

staring to the distant light flickering through the  flapping leaves made me recall our last nights in Bali. under the stars,above the rooftop we were amazed on what we have gone through this 7 magical days, or was it only me?

i avoid talking or even describing Bali since it was hard to confront those feelings. the first time ive been overseas, ride a plane and made a passport before that. the people looked the same,dark skin to tanned malay faces that ive come familiar while growing up but something about that island, it is as though the hooks that chain me to the ground have been detached and im free to float,as was peter pan.

but this written post were not specifically to appriciate Bali, but to appriciate the people whose in it when i was there. so here we go.

we arrived Thursday night near to Friday morning,so late until only few people were present at the airport. luggage were carried and i board the front car together with my lecturer and one mechanical engineering student. driver: Pak Nyoman. my eyes glimmer and searched the night for  landmarks and landscapes. curious at every junction,not believing that my families are currently out of reach if any emergencies were to happen to me. for speeding, we were caught by the police but the conflict were quickly resolved.

the gates of Suarsena house was small and we were greeted by an elephant statue covered in small tattoes of moss. the guys were placed in one room of three and that is the first time i saw Dominick. he was reading a German novel about a murder. he worn a blanket over his thighs as the winds blowing to the veranda was cold and icy. his hair was a bit brown to blonde and we had a lovely conversation.

Dominick was a German scholar and was visiting bali with her *(i assume) fiance. we chatted endlessly though there were some awkward silences. beer bottles were accidently broken and foods were exchanged from rambutan to serunding. he is one of those guys whom i wish to see again in the near future through accidental encounters.

6 am and it was already like 7.30 in Malaysia.the sky was coloured white and i freshend up and prepared to click some early pictures. our first day was spend eating breakfast and venturing through the roads to kuta. i drove in Bali. not in the kind of cars that i usually drive, it was a family car. to put more stress the rural roads looked like one laned traffic and lorries and big cars maneuver through it like a boss.

Kuta was hot,money was spend and there is where we eat our first nasi padang. Teh botol was my choice of water and i love it till today.

Saturday, i went to meet my facebook and whassap friend Aditya Wisudarma. i waited him near the monkey forest and was so afraid of the monkeys there. jumping around and appear as if they were nightcrawler and teleport from one place to another.

Aditya brought me to do my reserch at oka coffee plantations and there is where i knew dewa, my informant. we chatted as i was asking endless question about bali traditional coffee. later on i was brought to kintamani and got a glimpse of the Tampaksiring paddy rice fields. it was an enjoyable flight across bali behind a local perspective.

the night dinner was prepared by using the "bunglow's" pot and and instant army style rendang. we ate it with bread and have fun with it.

the following days will be better described using pictures, but to sum up,i've met 6 engineering seniors that were awesome to accept me into their group and let me hang-out with them. We sang in cars, watched performances and laughed out loud!

I've also found a friend that were very supportive of my decisions and passion and gladly walk with me through the late evenings of the Bali skies. Thank you Hidayah. Thanks for trusting me if you know what i mean.

so lets go,to the pictures *(dun worry hudaXD,hudaCS and naniey,this is not the pictures u will be recieving)

p/s: awesome pictures were captured due to the curtosy of wan zul, the mechanical engineering seniors' 50mm. THANKS

before my final paper.

One lonely evening;


Huda: in a world where free time is abundant, if i ask you to do a take pictures of wildflowers, would you do it? haha.


Me:take me to a journey to the unknown,where forest blooms and mountains stomps n dear I will,from the simplest sky to the root of the problems.


Huda: and would you take photos of butterflies that greet with a flutter and songbirds that welcome with a warble too?


Me:and the crickets that orchestrate and the forest roof that glitters.every sight I see,I'll take into memory,including u darl the one that truly inspires me.


Huda:and we'll marvel at every shape and form the foliage takes, and laugh along the flowing river?


Me:hile enjoying a dip together in that blue flowing river. Let aphrodite jealous of your beauty when u rise from the dip of it.


Huda:and narcissus would scream in envy of your ineffable features. and persephone would cease to want adonis in your presence.


Me:oh dear,be my you to the me,be the milk to my coffee,the oyster to my shell. As I want to be entrapped in this world of our imagination, with you forever.


Huda:Never underestimate me, for I will form a world for us, where imagination is reality and there, we will forever be free.


Me:suddenly that fears me.let's die now and the memory can ever be beautiful.


Huda:jump off a bridge, shall we? and even our last plummet can be the epitome of beauty and tragedy


Me:I imagine a scene where we stared at each other while holding hands,happily accept the fate that we prefer imagination over reality,dreams over solid substance we call materials.


Huda:I will caress your sculpted cheek and say 'Honey, how happy are we?


Me:and I will smile,as I did before,the smile that you always adore. Je vous aime,et scay bien que mon mal est fatal, le coeur le dit assez, mai la langue est muette.


*all via twitter

3 years later

dear Ali,

I was arrogant for leaving you on December 3rd 2009. Arrogant for not considering your feelings, your existence in my life. I was arrogant for not asking your opinion to go to japan to study business due to my mothers' forceful nature. and I was arrogant for  not telling you properly that i will be doing the above things and that i love you.

The presence of Sandra made me weak. open up old wounds. She was my first love. two years above me and was the woman that i imagine to be with forever. We had a relationship of 3 weeks and one day. and that one day is the day that she left me. like i did to you.

the morning of my departure, Sandra and I saw each other, not intentionally or previously choreographed. It is out of poor luck. she said to me that there is a reason on why she left me and marry her current husband now. a reason that i would not comprehend until i do the same to the one i love. A foolish thing to say to a 20 years old guy that loves first hand experience at foolish mistakes.

Out of curiosity, i did the same to you. But this is a mistake that i would not regret.

It was awful of me to do this grousome experiment on you. Followed orders to go overseas and pursue the studies that was not intended for my mind to take. Leaving you in New York, unprotected, not that you needed my protection to begin with.

Days went slowly. Being apart from you sliced me to bits in the inside. Plunging my heart to the furiosity of a heated javelin, over and over again metaphorically. Its like the worst method of torture. Not able to see you, heightened my senses. Every glitch of long, red hair remind me of you.  Every hymm of french classical music, sliced my tendons to pieces. Stopping me from my movements, imagining of what it would be if we were together.

the screech of pencil rubbing together with the micro-uneven surfaces of paper, made me miss you furiously.

this is what sandra meant. the thing that i would not understand unless i did it. the distance between you and me is perpendicular with the pain that i will ultimately feel unlike hers. Bringing to the ultimatum that i need you.

days went faster as i stalked your works. your work as a writer. imagining a scene where your fingers danced away as stimulus from your cognitive function translated into binary. your words are like medicine to me. listening to you talking to me simultaneously as i read your articles.

see me at our favourite park tomorrow evening, i will try my hardest to win you back Ali. I am not begging you to give me a second chance for redemption. i just want to see you again so that i can make you fall in love  with me again, but this time, never letting go.



Adrian.

A new Beggining

ive deleted all my past flkr photos and now uploading a new batch,the pictures will be less and of the finest selection that ive made,hopefully it pays off,cheerios.

a presentation.

wish me luck for my "kembara asia tengara " first (today) and second (by next 3 weeks) presentation.im so scared but at the same time so psyched about it.like butterflies gonna rip me apart from the insides, like looking into a storm,thunders thumping,winds blowing. difficult but yet so exiting.so here some sneak peak to decrease my tension and give you some tantilizing pictures *(and i do mean pictures) of my slides.

stay tuned!

failed attempt

part 3

_____________________________________________

“Wait, I have something for you.” a childish woman voice came to sound as i entered the library. it was alis'. “See if you’ll like these better than Peter Pan. You can give them back next time you hang here.” she said while handing over two books to a kid in a shirt and short blue jeans.

"hello" the father greeted me at the entrance like a true gentleman. i smiled back. Behind him, the kid followed while starring frantically at the book that Ali had given him. his hands furiously stroking the crusted cover of the book that seemed as if it have undergo seven years of drought without rain. they both looked somewhat recognizable from the way they walked and acted.

Ali smiled at me while standing on the wooden staircase, and invited me to come over while holding some books in her pearl white hands.

"im sorry i left you without prior notice this morning. i was in a hurry and when i went back your apartment it was locked and i guess you should be here, so here i am " i told her with an astonishing regretful low voice ending with a crooked half smile.

"mmmhmm"Ali replied with a zest of smile to give some structure to her somewhat flat response. she seemed preoccupied with her work. treating the books as if they were kings and bishops that need to be arranged in a specific hirachy. one wrong move and off with her head. the ambiance was a bit dark. the kind of the mood where tim burton will be inspired hence composing a musical drama then and there. it is not my cup of tea but oh well,as long as i can see Ali.

"where are the others?"

"shhhh" Ali instructed me to keep quiet, not with a GO AWAY! tone but with a soft soothing voice. like a mom, telling her kid that everything is going to be all right.

"you want some chocolate?" i reached out to her and hand her a bar of chocolate half eaten to purposely irritate her. she pushed a book to my chest in reply.i took it and flip it around and through all the pages as if im playing with a toy.

Ali instructed me to read. i lowered my posture and crouched on the ground. " The Secret Garden". somewhat thin compared to other classic english literature. illustration of vintage flowers almost disappearing give me an idea of how long this book have been here. the front cover is half torn and a musty smell can be sniffed though the brown colored pages.

"im sorry but.."

"i know, take your time" i replied before Ali can finish her sentence.

"arnt you goin back to your home? how long has it been?two,three days?" Ali trying to start a casual talk while still arranging the age defined books. " five days and two days" i replied. "and i just did, to change my clothes before going here".

"how come you never told me about your family?" i kept silent while pretending to be reading the contents page of the book. after ten second Ali continued by saying "u know,there is nothing interesting about the plot in the contents page" and i shuushed her hoping she will continue on doing her work.

"why two days? why isnt it one week?" she asked again while shuffling through the books as if one of the ministers have gone missing. "i just love the number" i replied.

*worlds collide - the mostar driving club playing*

i reached to Ali, grabbing her hand. she was surprised and nearly dropped the books onto my head. her palms are cold due to the air conditioners, yet they are soft like melting chocolate. she descends slowly from the flight of stairs and like a princess on the way to a ball. upon reaching my height, i braced her with all my might . after slowly dropping her feet on my shoes we danced to the sound of music. slowly pacing through the beats of the song.

i stared to her eyes. eyes that can melt ice without the help of global warming. Before she manages to ask anything, suddenly i blurted "you love me Ali?"

"yes". "but why did you ... "

while carefully grabbing her face, i kissed her lips. hesitant but not backing out. she was a bit shocked at first, but later on carved her soft lips thats comparable to the clouds upon mine.like puzzle pieces our lips fit together. i slowly moved my hands, one to her cheeks and the other supporting her head. trembling but not awkward movements. my fingers danced to the fibers of her curls instead of my feet. slowly performing a lyrical dance not to the beat of the music but to the thump of our heart.

someone knocked on the wooden shelves and my eyes slowly opened. i quickly covered Ali's figure using my loose cardigan still not letting her go.

"get a room" said the old man while he moved to the newspaper stands. i laughed and end with a sigh of relief.

"i better get going then" i said to Ali while giving her a last kiss on the right side of her blushing cheek. "are you free tonight? i wanna see you" i asked while she is still in the embrace of my arms.

"im sorry but .. " she cringes while gesturing to the books. i smiled while slowly letting her go. i held one of her hand and escorted her to her throne of wooden stair case.

on the way out of the library, a pen and paper emerges upon my sight. without thinking, i wrote. things that ive been wanting to say to her tonight,before i go away,far far away.

before i leave, i captured a last glance of her. the woman that have changed my life. she slowly fixes her hair, combing it gracefully with her hands while tying a knot to keep it from distracting her from doing her work. suddenly she turned to me, and i turned away immediately.

i kept walking away from her even though i know that this is the wrong direction to take. afraid that she will see the cold tears that have been flowing, drop by drop due to the images of letting her go.

somebody that i used to know

part 1

_________________________________

cold water runs through my face. water from my chin drops, submitting to the force of gravity.

"what was that all about?" I said to myself. i tried to remember the vivid dream that have woken me up from my sleep. Deep distinct voices that yelled "RUN!" popped up in my head. images of me running towards the darkness visualized. or was i chasing? the deeper i tried to remember, the more pronounced the aching in my heart.

i decided to take a sip of coffee downstairs. seeing her fast asleep, with her calm angelic face make me smile and awkwardly chuckled. I put on my sneakers and slowly creep out from the apartment, producing as little sound as possible as i closed the door.

the ambiance of this morning is perfect. if i can marry the weather, today will be the perfect candidate. Images of people rushing to their destinations, taxis and cars honked while the motorcycles slip in between them as hot coffee slivers in between the ice in that glass. i took a sip and it is refreshing.

i daydreamed while staring through the glass window. the thought of me, stopped in motion, while everybody is moving, changing their coordinates as if they were time freed me from my previous worry and give me the chance to float continuously in my empty mind. like having a backstroke in the sea, without the fear of drowning, storms and sharks.

*somebody that i used to know - gotye*

"hello?" i said as i wondered who called.

A soft recognizable voice replied "its good that you havent changed your number adrian"

"sandra?" questions started to popped into my head. why is she calling me? why out of all this time did she called me now?

"the one and only" a cheeky reply was given. This time the sound came from a whisper projected to my left ear. i turned back and there she was, the girl who left me waved with a sincere smile. images from my past surfaced.thank god i managed to pull off an awkward smile back at her but my heart is still aching.

*******

"are you doing well?" she asked me while copying my body movement by slowly flatten half of her face on the coffee table.

i stared through the window while trying to figure out the best reply. im never good at lying but i can use a little deception. "i've been well. Thank you" was the only reply i could give. we both stared aimlessly outdoors accompanied by the music of silence.

i ascend my head to an upright position. this time clutching my hands together, rocking forward and backward maintaining my gaze at the window to the walking pedestrians across the road.

"you left me, when i needed you the most. you left me without notice" with a calm expression i confessed. still avoiding eye contact, i continued "meds were given for depression. you are apparently looking at a body full of chemical wastes. But somehow, i don't blame you. i don't know why but i don't."

"time have changed, my friends have all left me. all that i have now is only ma and pa and also their inheritence". words suddenly just barfed out from my mouth. im not mad at her, but this is a part of me that she have to know.

"thanks" she replied. "your welcome". a smile carved perfectly on her face but her jade coloured eyes seemed uneasy.

"have you foud her?" she asked. i was surprised that she remembered my dream girl.

"no" i replied with a small chuckle. "but ive been dating someone and she's great"

we continued sitting there for hours. and it felt like our first date during our childhood. both of us, sitting on the swing together, not moving, just wavering by the push from the winds of autumn. she was starring at the sky above, and i was playing with the sand using my feet. suddenly i recalled what i said to her on that day.

" i wanna love you"

___________________________

part 3

textures

as i read from books, i unknowingly rape the texture with the tips of my fingertips. drawing lines as my eyes plunge itself to every detail, encrypting sentences as they are coded emotions that were written from a genius observer.

may it be romance, adventure or just knowledge everything must be imagined and that's the charm of a printed book. the uneven texture of the beige printed pages became my contours. the musky smell of wood make me visualize of a dense forest with tall sky-scarring trees, thick but not packed. light shone from above giving room for the plants below to grow. as the battles tramples the bushes below, the flip of a page made me imagine that i'm on a hill top. under the shady tree, the only one that is there. the thin page now became another body that hugs my fingers perfectly.

as we age so does books. maybe that is why i can relate to them. Orange spots randomly appear and the pages became more brown as if they were pigmentation from an old man's skin. the older they are,the better.

now is it significant to say "dont judge a book by its cover?"

rain

It is such an inspiring thing. Water droplets tipping down from the heavens,hitting the dry dusty ground. Soft cold winds rushing through the window dancing with the blue organza curtain. This is the nearest thing i'll ever get to London for the time being. The rain lets me imagine, utilize my thoughts for the happiest love story to the most dramatic one.

Walking after the rain will give me such self satisfaction. The winds flew by me as if I'm with my lady, strolling around in the humid weather, saying nothing but to our hearts. Enjoying and appreciating this particular moment that god had given us. The smell of fresh grass with the distant thunder dissolving into the horizon.

As i imagined this text while tapping through the keyboards to make my thoughts stay. I looked at the window and say "Oh, its a very fine day".

the placebo effect

Sometimes its good to get the placebo effect. Like when you read the description on a cosmetics or a food product, explaining with the uttermost beautiful arrangements of words. psychologically inducing you to dream of what will become. The through information that were given that feels like nothing is left behind. From the origins of the materials to the after effects of the product in hand. We believe on what were told eventhough the fine print says "p/s ; this doesn't apply to all " .

Placebo is used in the research faculty to became a constant. saline is usually injected and results are taken. For the scientist, placebo became just another statistic, but for the patient, it is hope. Though when reality checks in, placebo just don't work at all.

reply#1

Drenched in my own sweat, I asked her "how do you see the clouds?"

"A floating cotton in the sky waiting for me to jump up and about above it"she replied with a shy laughter following after.

Its been a day since we were here,walking up and down these picturesque hills while being accompanied by the soft equivalence of "hello!" the wind had to offer us. The weather is nice, the sun is well lit and the atmosphere is just how imagined it to be.

as we laid down on the short grasses, moving about here and there, she asked. "when will you kiss me?"

I turned to face her, eyes scouting the contours of her face. Her modest cheekbones. Jaws so smooth a drop of water would make all the velvety chocolate fountain envy with disgrace and lastly I came in contact with her eyes. Her beautiful green colored eyes, dilated and her throat swallowing every exess saliva her buccal cavity had made.

"It'll be the day when you became mine and I became yours. The time when everything else will became less significant. The surroundings became a blur and the only thing i hear is the beat of your heart. When I know you were meant for me and for me only "

"If i die, i don't want your happiness to be caged by this kiss if i give it to you now,this moment, that could last forever "

bad future, bad.

" the future used to be such a abstract idea. and the dream was enough. and now the future have the nerve to show up and its expecting us to do something and its not interested in giving a lending hand '' - Chris Colfer , Glee season 3 ep10-

21

never really thought of what my life will be if i am 21. if i remember as a child i only dreamt myself being just of the age of 17. relaxed, underdramatic, and laid-back. now its 21, thoughts just have to occur to me what had happen.

Its not the fault of the age, its the fault of the dreamer. although not dreaming about 21 i carelessly dreamt about being 26 AND 30. the age where i hoped that my life will significantly change. where i'll hopefully get to go places, places where only discovery channel and documentary shows advertised and stuffed into my mind. to experience different cultures and be the visitor instead. knowing people, sharing with the world about anything related.

but in 21 i found myself entrapped within those dreams. capable of only imagining of what i longed for. Imagine each wind swifting through my feet is brushed by the salt of the ocean, every shower i take is made from the crystal clear waters that is plunging towards gravity and every road i make is a road towards endless discovery.

it's not so bad being 21. new knowledge up-rises,books ready to be read and my thirst for knowledge have yet to be fulfilled. i may have to just stop yapping and start tapping my way to the future. its not that hard, i've done it for my 20th and who says i cant do it again?

p/s;yeay! for knowledge as it will give me money along with other cliche stuff.muahaha

#SEMESTEREVIEW

i dont know why and dont ask me why but i just love "#".twitter is to blame.

third semester of my bachelor degree have been hectic. By discarding drama i've gained life. By discovering depth of honesty i've gained mutual understanding of people's characteristics. i plan not to judge but in time i've judged so many people i can write an essay about them. dare to say for this semester, in search of uncommon i have made myself common.

but it is better for me to make my past the reference book for my future. to remember every documented past crystal clear to help future me decide in the choices he's about to make.

p/s ; warming up to my usual style of writing

BLOGSPIRATION#1

Found of about this blogger through my friend that mentions his name through twitter.I modestly stalked him using google and i dont know if this the real one or not but this blog that came out of the search engine is superintresting. my review ;

"the combination of a mellow song plus a simple background makes me "cair". Viewers can get into the briliant text that comes with the plate of picture. truly a dish both appetizing and magnificient. words are simple,true and the best of all, authentic. A true resemblence of "less is more" . "

go view his blog here! he'll be my limbo-limit that i want to achieve. booyah!

Holiday projects

its been one hell of a semester since i've described every wind that pass through my face as a living nymph in written form for my blogpost, so here's the deal ,im gonna make this few weeks a living dedicated boot-camp for me and my social life *(by social i mean blogger,facebook and tiwtter)

#1.ill try to sign in my twitter account as long as i possibly could for a day,reading updates,news and tweet awesome things to say

#2.blogger will be my writing platform to descibe my daily or hourly essays that i'll try to ramble up whenever i have the time to do so. since the internet in my home is not crappy, there's nothing to be blamed exept for myself if i didn't commit myself to my 2nd hobby of interest.

#3.do designs,and by designs i mean awesome designs.to cultivate my creativity and sharpen my techniques.

#4.work out.this is so that anything i wear for my coming pharm-nite will be barney rated ohsemm!

p/s;suddenly need to go to work because of the wardrobe that im gonna pull of for pharm-nite.dem you fashion! *(and money)