3 years later

dear Ali,

I was arrogant for leaving you on December 3rd 2009. Arrogant for not considering your feelings, your existence in my life. I was arrogant for not asking your opinion to go to japan to study business due to my mothers' forceful nature. and I was arrogant for  not telling you properly that i will be doing the above things and that i love you.

The presence of Sandra made me weak. open up old wounds. She was my first love. two years above me and was the woman that i imagine to be with forever. We had a relationship of 3 weeks and one day. and that one day is the day that she left me. like i did to you.

the morning of my departure, Sandra and I saw each other, not intentionally or previously choreographed. It is out of poor luck. she said to me that there is a reason on why she left me and marry her current husband now. a reason that i would not comprehend until i do the same to the one i love. A foolish thing to say to a 20 years old guy that loves first hand experience at foolish mistakes.

Out of curiosity, i did the same to you. But this is a mistake that i would not regret.

It was awful of me to do this grousome experiment on you. Followed orders to go overseas and pursue the studies that was not intended for my mind to take. Leaving you in New York, unprotected, not that you needed my protection to begin with.

Days went slowly. Being apart from you sliced me to bits in the inside. Plunging my heart to the furiosity of a heated javelin, over and over again metaphorically. Its like the worst method of torture. Not able to see you, heightened my senses. Every glitch of long, red hair remind me of you.  Every hymm of french classical music, sliced my tendons to pieces. Stopping me from my movements, imagining of what it would be if we were together.

the screech of pencil rubbing together with the micro-uneven surfaces of paper, made me miss you furiously.

this is what sandra meant. the thing that i would not understand unless i did it. the distance between you and me is perpendicular with the pain that i will ultimately feel unlike hers. Bringing to the ultimatum that i need you.

days went faster as i stalked your works. your work as a writer. imagining a scene where your fingers danced away as stimulus from your cognitive function translated into binary. your words are like medicine to me. listening to you talking to me simultaneously as i read your articles.

see me at our favourite park tomorrow evening, i will try my hardest to win you back Ali. I am not begging you to give me a second chance for redemption. i just want to see you again so that i can make you fall in love  with me again, but this time, never letting go.



Adrian.